Dear rude driver,
No, I am not upset with you.
I’m not going to rant at you for honking at me the other day when it was clearly my right of way to cross that 4-way intersection. I’m even not going to be angry when you shouted profanities at me for some reason or other I have no heck of knowing.
I will not be upset that you swerved abruptly into my lane without signaling. I won’t judge you for not letting me into the exit lane, even when I politely gave a signal.
Rather, let me ENTITLE you to be rude. No, don’t be suspicious, I come in peace. It is only the deepest and dearest wish of my heart to make you feel like you have the right to be rude. I hope to make you feel not guilt-tripped at all. So here you are:
- I bid thee to tail-gate me to your heart’s content. Of course, I will innocently slow down to a turtle’s pace and indulge in the pleasures of your frustration.
2. Do attempt to cut me without signaling. I regret to inform you that I will most definitely speed up.
3. Honk at me to hurry, and I’ll yawn good-naturedly. Aren’t I nice?
4. By the way, thanks for paying for my new bumper if you happen to crash into me.
5. Did you curse at me as you drove on by? Goodness me! I didn’t know they made children in the form of hairy apes.
6. Do keep on blaring your rap music about whores, little tweens. I shall combat it by cranking up my Sibelius Violin Concerto Op. 47.
7. Nice job driving through that red light at the last second, random car I’ll never see again. Here’s your love letter from the police.
8. Excuse me, coming through, I have to exit–oh, that’s fine. I’m sure that DECENT human being behind you will let me in. And now I’m going to stare at you until you become uncomfortable.
9. Wow, is that the newest iPhone you’re using right now as you’re going 20 mph below posted speed limit? Want to have to buy another one?
10. Flip me off? Do excuse me as I rebuff your provocation and find something better to do with my life.
11. Thanks for speeding up to cut in front of me, then going slower than I did. Because now it’s my turn to tailgate, yippee!
12. Feel free to give me the stink-eye as you pass. I’m always glad to know that I could make your life shittier than it already is.
13. Congratulations, oblivious two-lane straddler. You’ve officially stoked my non-existent road rage.
14. Happy now? By the way, did you know that road rage releases high levels of toxins into your bloodstream? So do continue committing to your road rage. It makes my heart soar to know how pissed off you are.
Sincerely with all my darkly fondest wishes,
So how do YOU cope with road rage?
I’m the “kill ’em with kindness” sort of gal–some people just aren’t worth it.
But then again, I just fail to understand how basic human etiquette seems to fly out the door once you’re out on the road. People who tail-gate frail old grandmas and flip everybody else off make my blood boil like lava. I mean, would it KILL people to let someone pass without initiating a bloody World War III about it?
I myself moved to a city near a sunny ocean recently, but I noticed how impatient and rude the drivers are here. SO EFFING RUDE! But I refuse to be affected by road rage. It’s so pointlessly petty and unhealthy, and I plan to live a long life, thank you very much.
So take a chill pill people, before you end up killing me. Yeeesh.