For the last few weeks, I haven’t felt like doing anything particularly useful for humanity, and it sucks. Those days when you feel like you should be doing something productive and you should be out there changing the world, but when you just don’t feel like it…I feel like losing my mind.
I mean, I tried reading books, but I couldn’t concentrate. I tried watching Inception, but then I fell asleep on the sofa. I tried to blog; I ended up on Perez Hilton (what on earth prompted me to go there?!) And I tried to exercise, but I literally fell asleep while walking on the treadmill. Yes, I impress myself sometimes.
But long story short, my brain refused to cooperate with me, and it’s been driving me bonkers. So the question is this: “How do you stimulate yourself into being interested in life again?” I’m sure this is a problem that many, if not all, people have, but I especially hate that feeling of just sitting around with nothing to do–it makes me feel like I’m wasting my life, and that bums me out.
But yesterday, I was so exhausted from worrying and stressing over the last few months that I just plopped myself down on my deck and just lay there. And just sitting there in the sunlight, listening to my favorite song, surrounded by nature and the smell of autumn…I was really surprised to find myself smiling like an idiot all of a sudden, without any apparent reason.
I mean, how often is it that you think to yourself, “Wow, I’m happy!” That rarely ever happens to me because I tend to define my happiness by my success–how good my grades are, how well I do at my workplace, my relationships, and so on. As a result, I haven’t really been that happy for the last few months because I was pushing myself to maintain this incredibly active schedule and it seemed like I was losing myself in the blur of it all.
But yesterday, I was simply happy to be with myself, me, moi, and nothing else to think about, and it was great. Those few hours to appreciate the trees, the sunlight, and the bees and flowers was all it took to cure me of my apathy, and I realize that I should do that more often.
So maybe, sometimes it’s okay not to challenge yourself. You don’t always have to force yourself to smile and be actively social. You don’t always have to be be productive or be in control of your life.
The time to zone out and discover yourself in the raw context of nature is the best gift to yourself. Because at the end of day, the relationship that you have with yourself is the one that you should value the most, and pushing yourself to succeed means nothing if you’re not happy.
And now speaking of happiness, I’m off to catch the latest episode of The Flash. Because the prospect of seeing Draco Malfoy mouthing off on one of my favorite T.V. shows makes me happy. So cheerio maties!